


tap, tap, tap, repeat.

by DisposablePaperCup



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Character Death, Mental Health Issues, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:40:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27902386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DisposablePaperCup/pseuds/DisposablePaperCup
Summary: Five fingers.Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.Repeat.Some days he wonders if he’s out of his mind.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 4





	tap, tap, tap, repeat.

Stiles feels like there’s something hiding under his skin.

For a while, there was - or at least, something that could fit a description slightly to the left of being ‘under his skin’.

Could it really be ‘under’ his skin if his skin was it's own?

He shakes a lot more these days. Counting fingers becomes a habit, the movements repetitive and soothing. His teachers think he’s texting through his pocket - which, although it would be impressive, is far overestimating his abilities to focus. He spends too much time rubbing the surface of the keys to be able to memorize their locations.

He counts because it gives him something to do. It keeps him from thinking too hard about things better off forgotten. It keeps him from spiraling, detaching, because as long as he taps he knows he is _here_ , in some odd sense of the word.

He counts so he knows he isn't dreaming.

He counts. Five fingers. Five taps.

Tap - thumb to palm, thumb to index, thumb to middle, thumb to ring, thumb to pinkie - Repeat.

-tap - thumb, index, middle, ring, pinkie - Repeat.

-tap - one, two, three, four five - Repeat.

Five fingers. _Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap._

 _Repeat_.

Some days he wonders if he’s out of his mind.

\---

- _repeat -_

_\---_

He tries for normal, though the definition of ‘normal’ in this town has been screwed over so many times it would probably fit the medical definition of ‘insanity’. 

It does, actually. Stiles has done enough research on the subject to know that. He knows the entire town has to be off its rocker to still want to stay in the place where the population count has been marked out so many times with spray paint that you could get high off the fumes from just standing in the general vicinity of the sign.

The people, the buildings, the animals - all indicative of it. 

This town is insane.

Even his room is evidence of that.

His walls are constantly riddled with printed articles and hastily cut-out photos, scraps of information written on whatever materials he had in the immediate vicinity. A few napkins made it up there for a while before being officially replaced with post-its. 

Missing persons cases, mysterious ‘animal’ attacks, steady trails of deaths and disappearances. All marked up with sharpie and thumbtacks with bright yellow highlighter streaks beaming like neon signs. 

A map of insanity.

Stiles finds the connections comforting. Despite the subject, of course. The understanding of one fact being related to another, A to B, in a smooth, easy manner, is reassuring. Even when it may chop off from A to G then back to D, looping around to E and R simultaneously, it’s still comforting. 

It’s easier to map out the minds and actions of others than have to face the way he skips from A to F then Y and C, P through R ignored in favor of X, never quite making it to B in the first place.

It’s easier to understand why others do the things they do, easier to see it in a pattern with post-its and red yarn marking every step of the way, than try and map his own.

It’s easier to focus on others’ insanity than see his own mind falling apart.

\---

- _repeat -_

_\---_

Stiles is always tired and never wants to sleep.

To him, sleep comes with dreams, and with dreams comes a lack of reality. 

Dreams are-

_-pain, guilt, plunging a sword into your best friend’s gut over and over and-_

-just that. Dreams. They aren’t real. Nothing is concrete and everything is possible. 

You could fall asleep at work and end up fighting monsters as a superhero in your head. You could take a nap during a presentation and your mind would give you a whole new world to supply stimulation in opposition to a lack of activity.

You could fall asleep in your bed - staring at the red tacks up on the wall and starting to make the connection from F to G, so _tired_ , but you just can’t sleep right now because you _have to do this_ -

-and dream of your friends burning alive.

Dreams aren’t fake enough for him to tell what’s real.

\---

- _repeat -_

\---

Stiles has a box under his bed with dead people in it.

- _thumb-_

It’s a shoebox, old, probably from when he was younger though he has no definite memory of the shoes that were in it, or the box itself. It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t remember a lot of things all too clearly. That's fine.

- _index_ -

It smells like dust and old cardboard. Like moths and dust bunnies and forgotten things. Another scent drifts on the lid like a candle he’s smelling from two rooms over. Something nostalgic and sweet. He can’t place it.

- _middle_ -

It feels like he hasn’t opened it in months. Years, maybe. There’s no wear or tear on the box. Like he filled it up and forgot about it.

But he knows that’s not true. He opened it last week.

There’s no dust on the lid.

- _ring_ -

The last time he opened the box he couldn’t stop shaking.

It’s the same this time.

He twitches. 

- _pinkie_ -

He opens the box and places another smiling paper photograph on top of a half dozen others.

\---

- _repeat -_

_\---_

He’s starting to wonder if it’s the town that’s insane, or if it’s just him.

\---

- _thumb-_

_-_

_-index-_

_-_

_-middle-_

_-_

_-ring-_

_-_

_-pinkie-_

_-_

_-repeat._

**Author's Note:**

> Might be an inaccurate representation of Stiles and his mental health? Kinda projecting a bit here cause I haven't been able to write and banged this out in two hours since I've been feeling shitty - hence, a vent fic
> 
> Literally all my knowledge of teen wolf has come from fancontent and the first episode so bear with me here
> 
> Gonna drop off the face of the Earth for another month while neglecting my schoolwork bye


End file.
